


But I know You Never Saw Me

by Narry1D



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 12:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11806113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narry1D/pseuds/Narry1D
Summary: "Harry was in love with Niall, but not too much in love where his heart was so invested he literally couldn't see love in other people. That was just one of the reasons Harry believed Niall was undoubtably the love of his life. It was either that or Harry was just dumb enough to hang onto something long enough to believe they were soulmates."or, Harry has been in love with Niall since middle school.





	But I know You Never Saw Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone. 
> 
> So this is technically the sequel to "Fighting Against" but you really don't need to read that work to understand this one. Actually, please don't read that. It's a mess. I don't know how many times I've tried to write this. I hope it's up to par. 
> 
> Also, I apologize for the long overdue of this project. I know people have been waiting since my angsty teen self left the last story as a dream. I stopped writing for awhile because I felt as though I didn't understand myself or my writing anymore. I decided to write poetry. And then I came back to this and finished this 20,000 word story in 2 weeks and it is the best version I could've created.
> 
> With all of that being said, here is much older Allison presenting you with a story I can actually be proud of.
> 
> Also, if you are interested in my poetry, please visit the website: alipoetry.wordpress.com. The poems posted on these are the most heartbreaking, and closest to me. Please give them a chance.

Harry remembered the dream so vividly. He remembered losing Niall just to gain him right back. He remembered holding Niall and kissing him and having this domestic, beautiful relationship with his _best friend._  

It’s been months, years even, since the dream. They’ve graduated, moved into the college dorms and moved on mostly. Niall was still by his side, just like he always was. Same college, same dorm, probably different thoughts. He was gay. The dream was right about that. Had he come out yet? To his mom, if that counts. The dream was deceiving because after he came out in the dream, everything was okay with it. He knew it wouldn't be that easy in real life, in real time with real people.

Niall had a beautiful girlfriend. He’s been with her since their senior year of high school. Now, as he stared at that new man, that sophomore in college, that person who reminded him of the high school Niall who curled up to him in the same bed, he watched that Niall curl up to his girlfriend every night. 

It was frustrating, pretending to be okay with his heart shattering everyday knowing that whatever happened in the dream, would never happen to him. Niall was in love. He was going to marry that girl. He was going to move on with that girl. Forget about Harry and Australia, that girl was his everything now. Harry just wished he could still taste what it was like to be Niall’s center of attention. 

 

—

 

The five of them, believe it or not, really didn’t talk much anymore. The only remaining friends were Niall and Harry, but everyone saw that coming. Harry remembered that Zayn moved somewhere overseas and Louis went on to be a motivational speaker against bullying and Liam went to Harvard. If anyone was still talking, Harry wouldn't know anything about it. 

He saw it coming. The shift. When everyone grew up and moved on and became something different. Niall did. Harry had to watch Niall change and become a different, older person. He became so much more mellow, mature, and responsible, which Harry never saw Niall being. 

If Niall changed as much as he did, he couldn't imagine what the others have changed to become, either.

—

 

“Niall will be home shortly, right?” Asked Jen, Niall’s longterm girlfriend. Harry almost took pity on her. She was so smart. Got accepted into Vanderbilt and planned on being a neuroscientist to land at the local college where the acceptance rate was 90%. She deserved so much more, but she loved Niall too much. Much like Harry.

“Yeah. Think he’s just at the gym,” Harry answered back as he continued to type on his laptop. He was a photography major. He was sending emails to girls he’d like to model for him for his final project. Jen was pretty, but her prettiness didn’t transfer through a camera lens, despite Niall’s desperate attempts to tell him otherwise. “You two have plans?” Harry asked. Jen hopped on Niall’s bed, looking through his things he had left on it. It annoyed Harry because Jen had always been the nosey type. Every time Niall was gone, there Jen was looking through his things, which was ridiculous because Niall would never cheat on her. Harry thought Niall would cry just thinking about it.

Jen sighed as she opened his laptop and easily put in his password. Harry guessed it wasn't hard for her to figure out since it was literally ILOVEJEN2323 _._ Niall was always a softy, that never changed. “I think so. He wanted to go get some food and talk about getting an apartment, you know, us three. Tried to say maybe it could just be the two of us, but he's pretty insistent you rent one with us,” Jen said, clicking through his laptop, probably looking for Niall’s nonexistent porn stash, since it was on Harry’s computer. That was the thing about Jen. She was always so honest and open to the point of rudeness and although it didn’t always make Harry the happiest, it was actually the first thing Niall fell in love with. “Did he talk to you about it?” She asked, to which Harry swiftly shook his head. He’d never heard of an apartment with Jen. Ever. Just them two. “Oh. Well we’d still only need two bedrooms. No point on getting three if one won’t even be used,” Jen said, winking at Harry like that was something he actually wanted to hear. He’s not an idiot, he knows they've had sex, it just wasn't something Harry liked to think about.

“Yeah,” Harry opted to say. Jen was silent then, content looking through Niall’s laptop. Harry sometimes wished he could slap her. Scream from the top of his lungs that Niall deserved so much more than a snoop. He wished he could tell Niall no one has ever loved him more than Harry has. 

 

—

 

Harry hated himself for a lot of reasons. The main being how optimistic he was. It was the only reason he hadn't forced himself to move on from Niall. Niall was the only person who could make him feel that way, he was sure of that. Harry was obliviously optimistic. He took everything with a grain of salt. Harry knew deep down Niall loved Jen more than he will ever love anyone, but a part of him believed that maybe if he tried enough, loved him enough, Niall just might see that he was the right person for him.

It was stupid.

The whole thing was stupid.

Harry realized how stupid he was as he stared at Jen and Niall across from him at this little coffee shop while Niall was mindlessly planning with Jen’s long red hair (like he used to with Harry’s hair) and he realized how utterly foolish he was. Niall was smiling at that beautiful person next to him and Harry knew Niall like the back of his hand. He knew Niall was thinking about how much he loved Jen and how insanely beautiful she was and how he was so lucky to have her.

Niall thought about Jen the way Harry thought about Niall and it made him explode inside.

“Haz,” Niall said, pulling his attention away from his obviously perfect girlfriend. “You’re okay with it, yeah? Like I know we said just us, but I don't know, man. She’s part of us now. It’s not like you haven't been living with her before this. She’s always at our dorm. Plus, with the apartment you’ll still have your own room. The only difference is that she will make the apartment smell better,” Niall said. Harry saw the pleading in Niall’s eyes, he really couldn't have missed it. Niall knew. In a way, he knew. He knew Harry really had just wanted it to be him and Harry living together, just like it always had been, just like they said it would be. Now that other human, that human Niall is so infatuated with had come in and messed everything up. It was safe to say that Harry was just ever so slightly pissed off.

“Yeah,” Harry said to Niall. But really he was saying it to Niall’s eyes. “Not a problem with me. We’re going to have to figure out what apartment and the rent and all that. I love Jen, you know that Niall. It was never going to be a problem.”

Lies. Lies. Lies. 

It was a huge problem, but Harry knew how stupid it would be to just scream, right then, in the middle of the coffee shop, “I love you!” and for them to magically run off into the sunset together.

How stupid.

 

—

 

Yet there he was. Fall semester rolled around and he stood by Jen and Niall as they all stared at the semi run down apartment they rented together. Everything moved in and put together, and the place still looked like shit. It was whatever though. He was with Niall. That was all that really mattered to him.

He came out. Officially. It didn't go down the exact way it did in his dream, but close. No one seemed to care in the slightest whether Harry slept with girls or boys. Niall was surprised, but nonetheless, happy for him. Thats all that Harry could ask for. Niall to be happy. Niall to be proud of him.

Although, now that he was out, Niall was on a continuous search to find him a date. From some guy in his biology class that seemed gay to his gay cousin that Harry had already met and never took a liking to. It was a confusing time for both of them. Harry knew Niall wanted to ask who he had a crush on growing up, but he never had the balls to ask. Harry was certainly not going to bring it up on his own free will. 

 

—

 

Harry made pancakes every Saturday morning. Granted, he didn't really want to make pancakes, but it was a way to get Niall to stay home, instead of going out to breakfast with Jen and leave him behind. Manipulative? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely. 

It had been about three weeks since they all moved in together, and Harry’s heart still hurt a little every time he saw Jen coming out of Niall’s room. Her hair was a mess and her lips were usually swollen and it didn't take Harry long to realize her and Niall both were enjoying their own private room together.

That morning, Niall came out of his room alone, with a pair of long shorts and no shirt on. His hair was a mess and he looked completely drained.

“Jen is sick,” Niall proclaimed when he sat down at the table near the kitchen. He had his head in his hands. “She’s the worst when she’s sick. She won’t stop complaining and refuses to let me have any sleep. Always asking me to do her shit for her. Oh my god, I love her, but sometimes I just want to throw her out on the streets.”

And Harry pretends he doesn't think about how amazing it would be to actually throw Jen out on the streets.

“Well, can you blame her?” Harry asked. He flipped he pancake and tried not to look at Niall. He never wanted Niall to see him be jealous. Ever. “Remember when we were kids and when I was sick you would do everything you could to make me feel better? Brought me soup, stayed with me all day. Even did my chores. You’re good at taking care of people Niall. Embrace it,” Harry added a joking smile at the end of his sentence. Or maybe he was smiling because he was recalling the times when Niall really did take care of him.

“You were easy to take care of. All you did was sleep all day,” Niall said, with a laugh. “It was different with you.” Harry felt his heart tug a little. He knew Niall meant nothing by it, but it meant something to Harry. To be different than Jen. To have a different hold on Niall. 

Harry just laughed even though he wanted to scream. 

 

—

 

Harry lived for the days that he and Niall spent together alone. Jen was with her friends and Harry sat next to Niall on the couch while Niall played some stupid video game. Harry fell out of love with video games; he saw them as a waste of time, but he loved watching Niall play. He just loved memorizing Niall’s facial expressions. He wanted to know Niall more and more and better and better, if it was possible.

Niall was so beautiful, Harry thought. He knew his love for Niall will continue to grow if he let himself keep falling harder and harder, but he couldn't help it. He had been in love with Niall for too many years to stop now. Not loving Niall wasn’t in the cards for him.

“You sure you don’t want to play, Haz? You used to be so good,” Niall asked, running his shoulder into Harry’s. It was true, Harry used to be able to beat Niall blindfolded, but he had no interest anymore. He just wanted to watch Niall be Niall, not boyfriend Niall. Just Niall. The one Harry had known forever.

“I hate video games, Niall.”

“Then why do you insist on sitting here watching me play all day, you dweeb?” Niall teased. Harry often wondered if Niall knew of his feelings for him. The way he said some things, the way he knew, Harry thought it wouldn't be far fetched to believe that Niall had known all this time and just hadn't said anything.

“Oh, I see how it is,” Harry pouted. _I love you._  

“Nerd,” Niall drove home. “Haz, can I tell you something?” Niall asked, putting his controller down. _Please do_ , Harry thought in his head. Instead, Harry just nodded, turning his body to face Niall. It wasn't often Mr. Joke Pants was serious, so Harry pulled his entire attention to his best friend. “I love Jen,” Niall said. _Oh my god, I know,_ Harry thought. He fought his need to roll his eyes as hard as he could. He really hoped Niall didn’t see his annoyance. “She’s amazing, but I don't think she trusts me.”

“She definitely doesn’t trust you,” Harry said. “She’s a snoop, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You’ve dealt with her sticky fingers this long, what’s holding you back now?”

“I just want someone to trust me,” Niall said, his eyes looking into his lap. “I’ve tried to talk to her about it. Tell her its not okay to look through my stuff, but I think it just goes in one ear and comes out the other. I know she's been cheated on before, but we’ve been together for four years now. She should know better than to think I would ever cheat on her.”

And Harry thought that moment was the most sincere Niall had been in a long time. Niall gave very little emotionally, but Harry saw it. Just then in his eyes. It broke Harry’s heart.

“You’ve been together for four years, Niall,” Harry said, his heart aching as he tried to save this relationship he never wanted to happen in the first place. “You’ve told me that you want to marry her, multiple times. She’s a snoop. That’s who she is. You want to marry her? You marry all of her. You have nothing to hide. She pokes around, but she never finds anything. I get that its annoying and I get that you want her to just trust you, but she’s not that trusting of a person. You’ve accepted that for four years. You fell in love with her, despite knowing that,” Harry couldn't believe he was saying that. “It’ll be okay, if you really love her.”

“I love her,” Niall said. Harry broke. It hurt more and more every time he heard Niall say it. _Just love me._ “I think I need some space from her, though,” Niall ran a hand through his hair. “We fight all the time about it and I just want to sit at home and relax and not fight every fucking night. I think she needs to stay a friend’s for a bit.”

_Yes, Yes, Yes. Finally a good idea._

 

—

 

Jen agreed. She packed her stuff, enough for about two weeks, kissed Niall, hugged Harry and left. She was tired of fighting, too. Or at least, that was what she had been saying for the past two hours. 

“I’m sick of it too,” Jen said, but Jen was also the type of person to always feel like she needed to have the last word. 

Niall looked visually more relaxed as soon as the door closed. He slumped on the couch, sipped his beer, and rolled his head back on the couch. Harry wondered just how temporary it would be, considering he hadn't seen Niall this relaxed in a long time. Harry hadn't seen Niall be so Niall like in forever and it was strangely refreshing, but it also felt like he was looking at a complete stranger.

“Haz, you have no idea how nice it feels to just sit back and drink a beer and know your computer isn't being hacked,” Niall said with a laugh. 

“That’s my everyday,” Harry said, sitting down next to Niall. “I never have to worry about being hacked.” 

Harry hated the way he was subtly trying to get Niall to end things. He knew how much he loved Jen, it was just that he loved Niall. Love made him do things he never even wanted to do. He was never the type to want to break a couple up, but it was Niall. The man Harry loved from his tip toes to the top of his head. The man he had loved since he was a kid. A kid with acne and random boners in class. 

“You’re a lucky son-of-a-gun, is what you are,” Niall said. Harry turned his eye to look at Niall and he sat there with his eyes closed. Harry watched Niall breathe and how he had his eyes closed, but a small smile on his face. “I miss you,” Niall said suddenly. 

Harry laughed out loud.

“How could you miss me? I’m right next to you.”

“I mean I miss us,” Niall said, opening his eyes and turning his head towards Harry. “I miss the teenager version of us when we would stay up all night playing video games. Even though Jen was in the picture for a bit of high school, I’ve never felt this distant from you. Like. I don't know. We live in this tiny little house together and I feel like I only see you for ten minutes a day. I hate to think it’s Jen, but I think it might be Jen, at least some of the time. I hate to think it’s because I know you’re gay now, or you know I know you’re gay now. I want you to sneak into my bed still, Haz. I want you to cuddle me and I want you to hug me like you’ve never hugged anyone just like you used to. I don’t care that you’re gay. It doesn’t change anything,” Niall said. 

Harry’s breathe felt taken away. Like a vacuum had sucked all of his air out of him. Niall was his best friend. That was why. He was so caring at times and just the fact that he could still want Harry to climb into his bed and wrap his lanky body around him even though he liked boys was the reason Niall was the best person in the world.

 

—

 

Weeks went on and Jen hadn't returned. Harry was too scared to ask because he didn't want to hear that she was coming home within the next couple days. He really didn’t. The last few weeks had been the best for Harry. Niall was all his. Niall was always near him, laughing, smiling, getting drunk, and being the genuine fool that he was. 

For example, Niall and Harry sat on the couch on a Saturday, drunk as all hell, talking about sex. 

“Would you bottom?” Niall asked, burping. It was a question sober Niall was much too scared to ask, Harry knew that. 

Drunk Harry laughed and pretended to ponder the question like it wasn't something that he hadn't thought about a million times before.

“Yeah, I would,” Harry said, laughing, his cheeks going seemingly hotter than they already were before. “I mean, for the right person. I don't know. Think about it. A dude being fucked,” Harry said. Niall bursted out laughing and the two of them drunk reminded Harry of the two of them when they were just kids. Giggling and being quiet when talking about something semi scandalous like they were. It was a beautiful moment, and even though Harry was plastered, he was sober when he met Niall’s eyes. He knew, even how drunk he was, he knew Niall was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The whole room was spinning, but somehow, Niall was still and had the most innocent look on his face. Niall wasn't spinning and Harry’s heart seemed to skip a million beats. Niall was beautiful and even drunk Harry knew it, that’s how far deep he was.

“Harry,” Niall somehow managed to get in between all of his giggles. “That’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard,” Niall was croaking at this point. His laugh had gone silent and tears began to fall from his eyes from all of the hysterical laughter. It was a moment Harry would lock in his brain. Drunk Niall, sitting in front of him with his big blue eyes, finally not thinking about Jen. Just the two of them, being idiots. It was a moment Harry would never forget to cherish.

“Whatever, dude, I think you’re just drunk.”

“Oh, Harry. I’m definitely drunk.”

 

—

 

A couple more days had gone by and Niall seemed to lose the pep he had in his step. He missed Jen. That made Harry wonder if she had just forgotten to call or maybe she was moving out. Something Harry wouldn't mind, but knew Niall would be absolutely torn if it were to happen. The whole space thing was never supposed to be permeant. 

“Jen?” Harry asked, putting some pancakes in front of Niall. He didn't want to allude that he cared very much, even though he most certainly did. Although Niall was his best friend, Jen was never his business, something Niall had made clear many times. Whenever Harry would ask something that was a little bit more private, Niall would get really cold about it. He would usually just say that it wasn't his business and to leave it alone. Harry learned to just stop asking, and if he did, to make it seem like he wasn't asking a very intrusive question.

“Yeah,” Niall said so quietly, Harry barely caught it. “I don’t think she’s coming back.”

Harry made no sounds, made no moves, just started at his gluten free pancakes as they cooked. He waited for Niall to keep talking. He didn't want to say a single thing.

“She, uh, she said it was better if we lived separate. Said this whole thing was a mistake,” Niall said, playing with his food with his fork rather than eating it. 

“Moving in or the relationship?” Harry asked, not daring to look over at Niall. He seemed so down. He genuinely seemed like he was in the gutter, something Harry didn't expect, since he seemed so ready for her to move out.

“She didn't make it very clear,” Niall said. Harry wanted to look over. He wanted to see if that bitch would make him cry. She would be done if she did. Niall didn't cry. Only cried when his parents got divorced in junior year. That was the only time Harry had ever seen him cry. Usually, he would just say something stupid like how he was Irish and emotions were never his thing. “Do you think she cheated on me?”

“No,” Harry said, because he didn’t. Jen was a lot of things, a cheater wasn't among those things. She was a snoop and extremely argumentative, but she loved Niall too much. She would never do anything like that to hurt him.

“Well, then what changed?” Niall asked. Harry flinched when he heard the fork being slammed down on the table. “She was in love with me, Harry. She moves out for like what, a month and she's done with me? Thinks the whole thing was a mistake? She must have gotten fucked too good for her to jump to that drastic length. She told me every day that she would marry me one day. She told me every day how beautiful our kids would be, with their strawberry blonde hair and their big blue eyes. She told me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her,” Niall croaked at the end. Harry looked over. He was crying. He was on the floor at that point, hugging his knees to his chest against the table. Harry’s heart never broke so fast. He really didn't even know what to do. “I guess that I’m just not.”

Harry wanted to tell him that she was lying, that he was the best thing to happen to her, that she loved him regardless of her wanting to live with him or not. He wanted to scream that he didn't need her, that he could do better. He wanted to say that he would end her life for ever making him cry.

But none of that came out.

The only thing that came out was: “You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.”

 

—

 

Jen and Niall were on a break and Harry hated to say it, but them taking a break was the best thing to happen for Niall and Harry’s friendship. Niall was a bit of a grump, but Harry’s. Finally. Niall was cuddled up to Harry and Harry was dozing off. They seemed so couple like, so in love, in a way. Harry was so infatuated with that brown haired blue eyed man. He was so in love.

Niall was definitely the best thing to ever happen to Harry.

“You make me feel wanted,” Niall said into Harry’s cotton tee-shirt. It was the fact that he said things like that, that made Harry think Niall felt the love he felt, too. It wasn't a normal thing you said to just your best friend.  “I don’t mean to be weird or talk about Jen all the time. It’s just. I haven't felt wanted in a long time. She made me feel like an accessory sometimes. I forgot what it felt like to feel like someone wants me around and wants me to stay around,” Niall said. At that point, Harry was praying that Niall couldn’t feel how fast and hard his heart was beating. He knew it was going wild.

“I’ll always want you around,” Harry said. To be honest, Harry didn't want to give Niall too much emotion. He didn’t want Niall to freak out and run away because at that time, Niall knew Harry was gay. It shouldn't have changed anything, but in little ways, it really did change a lot. “I don’t mind you talking about Jen, also. I mean you were with her for so long, Niall. It’s not something you get over in a blink of an eye. Besides, I’m your best friend, you can talk about anything. Hell, you could be talking about bananas for three hours and I’d still listen,” Harry said, petting Niall’s hair. 

“That’s why you make me feel wanted,” Niall whispered, sitting up to look Harry in the eye. “You listen to me. You look me in the eyes when I talk. I can tell your letting the words that I say sink in. You don't interrupt me. You absorb everything I say. Like, Harry. You never take anything I say with a grain of salt. My opinion matters to you. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more. I just don’t know why you put up with all the stupid shit I say and do and still care about what I have to say.”

_It’s because I love you, you idiot._

 

—

 

“So, the barista?” Niall asked Harry inside of their local university cafe. Niall had been on a tangent for days saying that the barista was Harry’s prince charming and blah blah blah. “He checks you out every time we come in here!” Niall said, playfully tapping Harry on the face.

Even when Niall was trying to set Harry up with someone, Harry just fell a bit harder for him. He was just so beautiful, inside and out.

“I don’t know, Niall,” Harry said, bashfully looking at his coffee cup. He hated Niall trying to set him up with people. He hated when Niall talked about him dating people. Maybe it was because it reminded Harry that Niall was straight and much to Harry’s dismay, not available to him. “He’s just not my type.”

And he wasn’t. The barista had darker skin and dark eyes and long dark hair. And Niall was Harry’s type. Blonde, blue eyed, Niall. Harry had a hard time finding someone that made him feel like Niall did. It wasn't that he didn't see the beauty in people; he found a lot of people very beautiful, but on a romantic level, it was only Niall.

“Oh come on. He’s hot!”

“He is,” Harry said, nodding to Niall.

“Then I’m confused. What’s the problem? You don’t want to fuck him?”

“No, I don’t want to fuck him,” Harry said. He rolled his eyes at Niall’s stupid confused face. “I’m acknowledging that he is an attractive person, because he is. That doesn't necessarily mean I want to fuck him. Like I said, he’s not my type, but that doesn't mean he isn't attractive.”

“Then what is your type, Harry?”

Harry was dreading that question. Niall had never asked him since he came out. He didn't want to tell him the truth. That someone that looked just like him would be ideal, because that would probably weird Niall out, but he didn't want to lie. But to keep things normal and not awkward, it seemed like Harry would have to lie anyway.

“Gingers,” Harry said with a shrug. It was a total lie. “Gingers with loads of freckles.”

“That barista would look good as a ginger,” Niall said. He didn't seemed phased, but for some reason, seemed surprised. Maybe he was surprised because Harry never said anything about red heads. Harry was probably just as clueless as Niall at that point.

“Most people would look better as a ginger,” Harry said, smoothly. He was lying too good at that point. He watched as Niall began to believe him. 

He also watched Niall start to smile and stick his tongue between his teeth to keep him from laughing too loud. 

_I have never loved anyone like I love you._

“What about me?” Niall asked, raising an eyebrow. “You think I should dye my hair? Bright stark red, draw on some freckles like they do now? Would you want to fuck me?”

Harry’s breath got caught in his throat. He choked on his drink and he coughed. Niall had to be on to him, otherwise what was Niall getting at?

“Ah no,” Harry said. He recovered nicely, at least he thought he did. “I don't go for guys who are too cocky for their own good, even if they've got nice red hair.”

“Damn,” Niall said, snapping his finger. 

 

—

 

“If you could, would you?” Niall asked. They had been home from some time at that point. Harry was just finishing up editing some pictures and Niall was playing video games on the couch next to him. 

“What?” Harry asked. He saved his picture and submitted it online to his professor and looked up at Niall’s stupid confusing face. “If I could what?”

“You know,” Niall looked nervous. It wasn't something Harry was used to seeing. “Fuck me.”

Harry, as a defense mechanism, started hysterically laughing. Niall had been pretty bold that day and for some reason was stuck on Harry fucking him. Not that Harry was complaining, it was just odd, was all it was.

“Niall,” Harry said. “That shouldn't be a question you willingly ask your best friend.”

“Well, why not?” Niall pressed, turning off the gaming console. “You like dudes, I’m a dude. The barista is not your type. Matter of fact, no one is your type. You’re not fucking interested in anyone. So, I’m asking you. Would you fuck me?”

“You’ve got a nerve,” Harry said. He was angry. Of course this was about Harry not liking any of the guys Niall was picking for him. 

“I’ve got a what?”

“A nerve,” Harry repeated, getting in Niall’s face. “Just because I don’t want to fuck any of the guys you seem to have worked out in your stupid little head would be good for me, doesn't mean I’m not interested in anyone and it definitely doesn't mean I’d ever want to fuck you.”

Harry was being rash, he knew that. But Niall really pushed him. Harry didn't want to be having that conversation that way and he didn't want to be drilled about why he wasn't interested in anyone.

“I’m going for walk,” Harry said. He took one last look at Niall’s stunned face and walked out of the apartment unsure if he would come back that night.

Not after he just thoroughly embarrassed himself by blowing things out of proportion. 

—

Harry came back that night. It was nearly three in the morning and Harry was exhausted and angry at himself. He wanted to get wasted, but he knew that would just make it worse. He would say something even more stupid. He turned on the light in the kitchen to get some water to drink and was shocked to see Niall sitting at the dining room table. He looked exhausted.

“Hey,” Harry said, filling a cup with water.

“Glad to see you decided to come home,” Niall said. He stood up and walked over to Harry, resting on the counter and crossing his arms. “Coulda at least answered your phone, you know. I was worried sick. Thought you weren't going to come home.”

“Always was gonna come home,” Harry said. He took a swig of his water and pretended it was whiskey so he could have the strength to get through that conversation. “Should’ve texted you though. Sorry, Niall. I was just,” Harry looked down at his feet. “I was just embarrassed. I blew things out of proportion. I got mad when I shouldn't have. It was just a question.”

“Yeah, a stupid one,” Niall said. He uncrossed his arms. “I shouldn't have asked. I was out of line, Haz. It’s not my business who you fuck or who you don't or who you want to fuck or who you don’t.”

Harry looked up at Niall and all he could think of doing was hugging him. So he did just that. He hugged Niall like he hugged him when they were young. Engulfing, tangled, long. Niall buried his head in Harry’s neck and Harry felt as if he could cry.

They finally let go and Harry started at Niall. For once, all he did was stare at him. Harry could feel Niall’s breath on his lips and it was taunting. It wouldn't take much to just lean in and do what he had wanted to do since eighth grade. But instead, he didn’t. He was just starting to get Niall back. No way in hell was he going to lose him now.

“By the way,” Harry giggled, poking Niall in the stomach. “I would fuck you, but just because I’d get to say I turned my best friend.”

Harry didn't think he ever heard Niall laugh so hard.

 

—

 

Jen came over one Saturday morning. She needed to get some of her winter clothes she had left. She hadn't completely moved out yet, which worried Harry. He remembered Niall saying that Jen had said that them moving in together was a mistake. It was strange she hasn't even bothered to stop by and get the rest of her things. 

“Hey Jen,” Harry said. He hugged her, despite the cruel thoughts that were going on in his mind. “How are you doing?”

“Oh you know,” Jen said, looking up at Harry. She was sad, Harry could tell. Jen looked as if she was going to cry. Too many memories, Harry thought. “Getting through.” Jen went over to the shitty kitchen counter top and ran her hand over it. It was a bit dramatic considering she only had lived in Harry’s and Niall’s apartment for no more than two months. She was acting like it was her childhood home. “I just wasn't excepting it, you know?”

Excepting what? When Niall said he wanted space?

“Expecting what?” Harry asked.

She turned to him with a stupid confused face and smiled, but a tear ran down her face. 

“He told you I ended things, didn't he?” Jen asked. Harry slowly nodded. Jen then laughed just in the slightest way and wiped her tear. “I didn’t. He told me it was a mistake. He told me that he didn't know if the four years we were together mattered or were even worth it.” Jen shook her head, then.

Harry was furious. After everything he and Niall had been through. What they have told each other. How long they spent cuddled up to each other crying about different things. He wanted to lie about who ended things? And for what?

“He told me you said it was a mistake,” Harry said. He inched closer to Jen. He just really couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

“He wants your sympathy, Harry.” Jen said. She just kept shaking her head at him, like she felt bad for him. “He was always going on about how he just wanted you to care about him. That’s probably why he turned it around. He wants you to feel bad for him. He wants you to pick him up and hug him and make him coffee. He wouldn't shut up about not having his best friend around anymore.”

Harry really couldn't believe what he was hearing. He didn't want to. Jen wasn't a liar. A snoop, maybe. A liar, no. She had word vomit. She couldn't stop herself from telling the truth. 

“Can’t believe he ended a four year relationship because of a man crush,” Jen patronized. She basically spat in his face. 

Niall just was really lucky he wasn't there.

 

—

 

Harry waited at the dining room table for Niall to get home. Niall went to class and then went to a friends house and Harry had just sat there waited for him, like a bitch waiting for her cheating man. He knew he looked rough. He had been crying. It seemed like a dumb reason to cry. Niall lied. But it was the fact that he did lie, because Niall never lied. Ever. And on top of all that, he lied so he would have Harry’s sympathy vote, so he could be the victim. Harry felt unbelievably stupid.

Niall finally came home, and Harry was waiting for him all the same. His hair was a mess, probably because of the rain. He looked so angelic, and for a second, Harry forgot why he was mad.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me,” Niall said. He threw his wet backpack on the counter and went to the fridge to dig around for something to eat. 

“Jen stopped by,” Harry said. He looked at Niall and he was fuming. That beautiful man. Lying so easily to his face. Putting on a stupid little act to get Harry to feel bad. Crying. Somehow crying, when he never did. All for Harry to feel bad for him.

“Did she?” Niall said. He pulled out the orange juice and drank straight from the container. “She finally get the rest of her stuff? I just want her out of my life, you know? She already hurt me enough. I don’t want to see her stuff every time I wake up.”

Harry laughed. Niall was really trying to nail home the heartbreak act. 

“Why the fuck are you laughing?” Niall asked. He looked at Harry so defensively, as if he had any reason to be. 

“She told me what _really_ happened,” Harry said. Harry got up and went over to Niall. He wanted to see Niall realize everything. He wanted to see it up close. 

“I told you what really happened,” Niall said, poking Harry in the chest, trying to get him to back up. Luckily, Harry was stronger than Niall so a little poke in the chest wouldn't even move him in the slightest. 

“Did you?” Harry questioned, stepping even closer and in which, Niall stepped away. “Because you didn't see her earlier, Niall. Tearing up over the sight of this place. Looking so defeated when she realized what you told me. Set me straight when she told me that after all this time of me believing it was her that ended things, it was you. I know Jen, Niall. Maybe not like you, but I know her enough to know she doesn't fucking lie. She is the most honest person I know. It’s so fucking ironic because I thought you were the most honest. Just,” Harry stopped. “Just why? Why did you have to lie to me?”

Niall sighed. And then he slammed the fridge door shut. And then he stormed over to his room. And then he slammed his door shut, leaving Harry in the kitchen with so many questions unanswered. Harry sat on the kitchen floor and cried. He doesn't even remember if he got any sleep that night.

 

—

 

Niall had left the apartment for a few days. Harry didn't even see him leave. Just Niall was gone and Harry didn't even know if he was ever coming back. Every time Harry tried to call, no answer, which was the same response to his texts. 

Harry sat at the dining room table most of the time, just because he didn't want to be locked up in his room if Niall decided to come home at any time, for any reason. He wanted to be sat right there, so that way, he would be forced to talk to Harry.

Three days sitting at the dining room table. He hadn't left the house, except for class in three days. It could be very possible that Niall came around to get clothes when Harry was at class, but every time he got back, nothing had been touched, not even in Niall’s room.

Three days and Harry was just praying that Niall was okay.

 

—

 

Niall did eventually come back. After a week of being gone. Harry had sat at that table for a week straight, but it did pay off in the end. Niall came in with his backpack and there Harry sat, typing away at this laptop. He almost didn't believe it was Niall at first. Just because after the sixth day of no Niall, Harry just assumed he would be getting a letter in the mail telling him to find a new roommate. 

“I’m guessing you want to talk,” Niall said.

“Yes, I do want to talk,” Harry wasn't going to bother getting emotional. He kept typing on his computer and kept his eyes on the screen. He just was going to hear Niall out. Not believe him, probably, but he was going to sit there and listen to Niall. Just like he always did. 

“Well fucking look at me then,” Niall said, taking a seat at the table, right across from Harry. Harry sighed and closed his laptop and then gave Niall a slight, unconvincing smile. “I’m sorry, okay? I ended things with Jen. It just didn't feel right anymore. I, I don't know. It didn't feel like anything was worth it. Having her look through my things, her never trusting me, her showing up to my friends house trying to find me. It wasn't worth it. I loved her and everything, I just don't think I loved her enough to keep trying to convince her I wouldn't cheat on her. I mean, I couldn't even be anywhere with you without her blowing up my phone trying to find me. She was so unbelievably jealous of you. I couldn't stand it. She is the reason we started drifting. I couldn't do anything with you. It always had to be with her. I just wanted you back and towards the end, or at least I acknowledged it towards the end that you were, I mean, are so much more important to me than some girl. Because at the end of the day, thats all she was. Sure, some girl that I was with for four years, but I knew I wasn't going to marry her. I said I was, but I couldn't marry someone who doesn't trust me even with my own best friend,” Niall was shaking at that point. Harry was taken back. He never thought he would hear something so raw from Niall. Niall just wasn't emotional. He never really spoke his mind, at least not entirely. 

“I’m sorry I lied,” Niall said finally. 

“You could've told me that from the start,” Harry said, sitting in the seat closer to Niall. “Why did you lie, Niall?”

“I didn’t want you to hate me,” Niall said. A single tear fell from his eye and he didn't even let it get halfway down his cheek before he wiped it off. “Breaking up with her because I didn't love her enough, or because I was selfish enough to break things off with someone who had trust issues just because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't want to keep reassuring her, Harry. That makes me a bad guy. If I told you all of that when it happened, I knew you would say something about me being selfish and someone you didn't recognize. I wouldn't blame you. I don't really recognize myself anymore.”

“Niall,” Harry sighed. “I could never hate you. Breaking up with her when you weren't happy is not being selfish. It doesn't matter the reasons. You need to put yourself first, you need to make yourself happy. Everyone else is just a bonus. Besides, if you didn't love her enough it wouldn't be fair for her if you stayed. She deserves someone to love her more than she could ever imagine, just like you do,” Harry reassured. “I love you regardless of what you've done. You’re my best friend. I have to be on your side always. And, I want to be on your side always.” 

Niall was crying. Harry scooted his chair over to Niall’s and engulfed him into hug. Harry prayed he could just snap his fingers and make everything better and time travel back to freshman year of high school where everything was so easy. Harry was in love with Niall, but not too much in love where his heart was so invested he literally couldn't see love in other people. That was just one of the reasons Harry believed Niall was undoubtably the love of his life. It was either that or Harry was just dumb enough to hang onto something long enough to believe they were soulmates.

“So you meant it then?” Niall asked into Harry’s shoulder. Harry hummed. “You meant it when you said I was the best thing that ever happened to you?”

Harry was taken aback, but only for a moment. Harry had said that so long ago. It wasn't that he forgot about it, he had just thought that Niall had forgotten about it. It was said and then never brought up again. He figured Niall let it slip pass, but apparently he didn’t.

“Of course I meant it, Ni,” Harry said, petting Niall’s hair down flat. “We’ve been friends forever, so I guess it didn't really happen to me, because to be honest I’m not sure when we happened because we always were. But anyway, you are absolutely the best thing that has ever been in my life. For a while, you were the only thing I woke up feeling happy about. When I was closeted and ashamed and feeling worthless I could always count on you to be there for me in ways you didn't even know at the time. You were the best thing in my life then and you still are now.”

Harry felt his heart stop. He said too much. He gave too much. Let Niall in too close. He basically let Niall touch his heart, grabbing the strings like reins and pulling them like he had any right to. _Fuck_ , Harry thought. _Fuck me so hard_.

“You’re the only thing that matters to me anymore,” Niall said. He hugged Harry and put his head into Harry’s neck. It was weirdly intimate, even for them. Harry could feel Niall’s lips against his neck. He felt Niall give him a kiss on the neck and then another one. It was too much. Usually they bite each other’s necks as a way to annoy each other, but this is Niall kissing his neck. Ultimately, Harry decided to ignore it. Which confused him because he didn't know if Niall wanted him to or not.

 

—

 

It was awkward the next morning. Or at least it was for Harry. He woke up first in Niall’s bed. He felt Niall slammed to the back of him with his morning wood pressing against his upper back. It wasn't the first time that had happened. Hell, it wasn't the second or third or even the fifteenth. It just felt different that time. Maybe it was just awkward for Harry because Niall knew. Niall knew he was the reason for Harry staying Harry. It was just a little too much. He couldn't even think. All he felt was Niall’s hard dick against him and Niall’s hands on his chest. It was so close and Harry just wondered how he could stop time.

He got up as quietly as he could. He tried not to wake Niall up. He moved Niall’s arm and got up horizontally somehow and Niall didn't wake up. Harry fist bumped himself because he was a ninja. No doubt about it. 

Harry went into the kitchen to start making some french toast for when Niall woke up. Harry’s cooking was one way he could make Niall smile and so he cooked almost every day, because Niall’s smile was his drug and he would do just about anything to see it. He didn't even like to cook all that much. He just wanted to see Niall’s goofy grin when he realized that Harry had cooked (again) and that would be enough for him. The rest of Harry’s day would go without a hitch.

The french toast was nearly done when Harry heard his best friend’s grumbling. He always somehow managed to get up right at the exact moment the food was almost done. Harry wondered if his timing was always perfect because Niall was awake for the most part, but Harry usually decided to play it off like it was Niall’s first time seeing the world.

“Good morning, nugget,” Harry said. Nugget wasn't always the first nickname Harry opted to call Niall, but in the mornings it was usually the first thing that rolled off his tongue because Niall looked like a nugget in the morning. No color in his face, hair a mess, clothes nowhere to be seen, pale as could be. A nugget. He had been a nugget for as long as he could remember. Nugget morning Niall. It was just a thing. And he loved it more and more with each morning passing.

“I hate that nickname,” Niall said, groaning. “Actually no. I wouldn't mind it if you were saying it because it was endearing, but you call me a nugget because you legit think I look like a nugget,” Niall said. Niall barely argued about it. He used to a lot more, but as time passed, he got over it. Nugget wasn't ever going to not be thing. “It’s offensive, Haz, is what it is.”

“It’s cute,” Harry said, putting Niall’s french toast on a plate and handing it to him. “Some friends don't even give each other a nickname. At least you have one.” 

“Yeah,” Niall said. Harry could tell he wanted to say more, but Niall wasn't much to argue about things that were generally pointless to argue about. Harry knew that, but he also always took it as he won the argument, even though that definitely wasn't the case. “Thanks for the french toast.”

“Is that a thank you?” Harry poked. Niall just scowled at him so Harry just threw his head back laughing.

 

—

 

It was unusual for Harry to be without Niall, but that day, he was. He was at the local coffee shop studying for midterm exams. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for college students to sit alone, but Harry had always felt just a touch awkward sitting alone. He always had. It wasn't a new thing. Niall had a study group at the library that he just had to go to and sadly, Harry’s time had been so consumed by Niall at that time that he really neglected the rest of his friends.

As Harry sipped his coffee and thought about the lack of friends he really did have, he wondered how Nick was doing. Nick was a journalism major, but they were in a marketing class together sophomore year. Nick was Harry’s best friend for a time, when Niall was all over Jen all the time. Nick hadn't called and neither had Harry, and he wondered just why they hadn't talked. It would be so easy to just grab his phone and text Nick to see how he was doing, but for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to do it. After finals, he told himself. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t. His brain was fried from all of his courses to really sit and think about it too much.

 

—

 

Niall was his best friend, Harry gathered. Niall was his best friend for a reason. Niall did things that Harry liked simply because he liked them. They’re out at a local metro park and Harry was taking pictures of the scenery around him. He knew Niall thought that was boring, but Niall came anyway. Niall was even the one that suggested it. 

“I love spending quality time with you, Haz, but this is fucking boring,” Niall huffed behind him. Harry chuckled to himself, because he was honestly waiting for Niall to say something. He always did.

“You didn't have to come, you ding dong,” Harry said. He kept looking forward because he didn't want to see Niall’s pouty little face. 

“Ding dong,” Niall repeated. “What a wonderful thing to be called by your best friend.”

“Oh shut it,” Harry said. Harry laughed and sat on a branch and waited for Niall to sit next to him. “Don’t think I would forget about the one time you called me a ‘flaccid penis’ for beating you Fifa.” 

Niall laughed his ass off at the memory and for a second, the world seemed to be okay. The two of them were somehow okay in all of the mess. Jen and everyone else aside, him and Niall were finally back to where they were supposed to be; laughing, reminiscing in old memories, and beyond else, being comfortable in each other’s company. Like, really comfortable, like how they used to be. 

“Come on! That was the best insult ever and you can’t even deny it!” Niall exclaimed, punching Harry in the arm. “It was much more clever than ‘ding dong’. Like, what the fuck, Harry? Has high school taught you anything?”

_How to be more and more in love you with you._

“Guess not as much as it taught you,” Harry said, nudging Niall back with his shoulder. “Which is surprising, I think. American high school is equivalent to prison. Which brings me to the conclusion, you know since you learned so much in a prison like environment, that you would do well in prison, Niall. You should kill someone. Or! Or! I know. Just, like, rob a bank. I feel like a cop would almost empathize with a college kid trying to rob a bank because the kid would only be trying to get money for a soggy napkin to eat.”

Niall stared at him for a solid couple minutes with a confused look, but a smirk hiding in his mouth. Harry loved that smirk. Every time he saw it, he had to fight the urge not to learn over and kiss the smugness of that smirk away.

“You’re the fucking weirdest person I know,” Niall said, finally giving Harry a little bit of a giggle. “You’ve gotten weirder.”

“Ah, incorrect,” Harry said. “I’ve gotten more clever about my weirdness.”

“My point exactly,” Niall said with a small laugh. “You’re weird.”

“And!” Harry exclaimed. “You love me for it.

Niall for a second just stopped. It freaked Harry out. Had he said the wrong thing? Was he not supposed to say the “L” word? They said it too much for Harry to even stop and think. Niall looked conflicted and Harry’s breath was caught in his throat.

Finally, Niall gave a small smile and said, “Yeah, I love you.”

 

—

 

_“Hey Harry, it’s Nick. Uh, listen. I know it’s been awhile, but I’d really like to catch up. I miss you. I thought you would call and then you didn’t and then I realized you probably thought I would call and then I didn’t. Well, I mean, now I am, but uh, I meant like back then. So, I’m swallowing my pride and calling you first. Right. Uh. Yes. So just give me a call back if you’d like to be in my life again. I’d be super pissed if you didn’t call, but nothing would make me happier right now than to hear your voice. Just please call me back, Harry. I miss you.”_

 

_—_

 

“Nick?” Harry asked into the phone. “It’s Harry.”

_“Of course it is, you idiot. I do have caller ID, you know.”_

“Well, yeah, duh. I know it’s been a few days since your voicemail so I did’t know if you decided to just delete my number at this point. I mean one day without calling, I’m just busy. But four? I’m a prick. I know how you think, Nick Grimshaw.”

_“You’re not wrong. I thought you were a prick. But, you’re calling now, so maybe not so much of prick if you have an explanation.”_

“I don’t.”

_“So a prick, then.”_

“I didn’t mean it like I didn’t want to call you. I did, I promise, I did. It’s just, I felt like a loser that I wasn’t the one to call sooner. I should’ve called and then days went by and I just didn’t. Then you left me the voicemail and I realized that calling isn’t that bad, I just let it get to the point where calling seemed like it was a pride swallowing move. Which, it wasn’t. And shouldn’t have been.”

_“This isn't a one way street, Harry. We both should’ve called and then neither of us did. To tell you the truth, I just needed to talk to you about something. I needed to hear you give me advice. It was really the only thing I could think of doing at the time.”_

“Of course, Nick. What’s wrong?”

_“I’m in love with someone and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been driving me crazy. Like seriously, Harry. Insane.”_

“Oh. Well. Me too, actually. I think we’re in the same boat. I’ve thought a lot about telling them or not telling them. I think you should tell them, Nick. If it’s driving you this crazy it can’t be healthy at this point. You’re going to regret it if you let them distance themselves from you because you’re feelings are getting in the way, especially if they don’t even know how you feel.”

_“I know. It’s just. If they don’t feel the same way, they’ll distance themselves anyway, so what’s the point?”_

“Well, the point is. They could feel the same way and then you’ve gained such a beautiful thing. If they don’t and you drift, you have to ask yourself what kind of friendship or whatever it is you’ve had in the first place. Is it a friendship?”

_“Yeah.”_

“A friendship while you’re secretly in love with them isn’t really a friendship. All you’re doing right now is pretending. You’re pretending to be a friend and care about the other relationships their forming, while you actually want them all to yourselves. You’re not really friends. It’s all pretend.”

_“Harry.”_

“And you look at them as a friend, but really you want to kiss their faces off and sometimes you daydream about them right in front of their face.”

_“Harry.”_

“And then after everything they break up with their girlfriend and you’re so fucking happy about it, but you have to pretend that you’re sad for them and have to pretend like you ever fucking cared about the relationship in the first place.”

_“Harry!”_

“What?”

_“It’s you.”_

“What?”

_“I’m in love with you.”_

“Stop joking, Nick.”

_“I wish I was joking at this point.”_

“Why me?”

_“Because…I don’t know. Because it’s you. It’s always been you.”_

“I don’t know what to say.”

_“Look. I get it. I mean, I thought you might feel the same way for a bit, but obviously there is someone else and of course there is. There’s always someone else.”_

“There’s someone else.”

_“I got that.”_

“I…I didn't see these turn of events happening.”

_“Yup. I got that too.”_

“Look.”

_“No, I think I got everything cleared up. While thoroughly embarrassing myself, I also ruined a friendship. I’m sorry, Harry. That didn’t go the way that it did when I practiced in my head.”_

“I’m sorry, Nick.”

_“It’s okay. You can’t help the way you feel or don’t feel. Anyway, I think I’m just going to hang up the phone now. So. Uh. Goodbye, Harry.”_

 

—

 

Nick’s confession left Harry more confused everyday. It wasn’t that Harry had the same feelings towards Nick, it was that someone had feelings for him. He, for the longest time, forgot what it was like to have a normal crush situation. He hadn’t had a crush like him back since middle school. When he developed a thing for Niall, the world kind of fell apart on him. No one else mattered and Harry never saw it as a problem, until now.

Harry never had a normal love life. He never had a date to a prom, he never had a romantic date at a drive in, he never had a boyfriend. And it was all because of his obsession with Niall.

That revelation didn’t make him want to go out and seek a relationship he knew he wouldn’t be interested in, it just made him wonder if loving Niall would be his life forever. If he obsession with a boy he could never have would last longer than it should have. The truth was, he never saw a future without Niall. No matter how naive or selfish it was, every path of his life ended in him putting a ring on Niall’s finger. His best friend. His straight best friend. Nick’s confession made him realize how ridiculous the games his mind was playing on him. Marrying Niall probably would never happen. Niall would probably marry a nice girl and have a nice house and nice kids. Harry would sit on the side for the rest of his life, being obsessed with a man that was never his. 

Harry was contemplating if he was okay with that.

 

—

 

A month went by since Nick’s confession and Harry had a mission. He was going to meet someone he actually could have and no matter how much it killed him to want someone other than Niall, he was going to do it. 

He went with the coffee shop guy. Tall, dark, and handsome. The guy Niall had pointed out and to which, Harry declined. Coffee shop guy was extremely attractive and for whatever reason was into Harry.

Harry learned coffee shop guy’s name was Evan. Harry then learned after their second date that Evan was nothing like Niall. It was strangely refreshing.

Evan was humble and quiet. He liked to read and go to art museums and didn’t like to drink much. Evan was peaceful and most importantly, Evan was actually gay.

After the fifth date, Evan somehow became a constant in Harry’s life. Not a boyfriend, but a person Harry would see and talk to regularly. Also, someone Harry would mention often. Not that he would mean to, but sometimes Niall would say something that reminded Harry of Evan, and he would just start talking. Niall never seemed to care. Niall also never asked to meet him.

 

—

 

Niall wasn’t at the apartment much anymore. Neither was Harry. He was with Evan most of his days. He don’t know how or when it happened, but Harry actually started to like Evan and his dark hair and dark eyes a lot. That day, Evan was in Harry’s room reading a poetry book Harry had on his shelf.

“I didn’t think you’d be the type to be into poetry,” Evan said, casually flipping through the pages. Harry laughed and sat on the bed with him.

“I’m a photography major. Of course I’m into poetry.” Harry laid down and put his head in Evan’s lap.

“I mean, you’re right. The curls threw me off. When I first saw you, I thought ‘cute.’ But I won’t lie, didn’t see a photography major and poetry reader,” Evan said, putting the book down and running his fingers through Harry’s hair.

“Oh yeah? And what did you see?”

“To be honest, I saw lawyer or pre med and a guy who liked frat parties and who liked to hook up with chicks.”

“Evan,” Harry said, laughing his ass off. “You’re a terrible judge of character. You just listed everything I hate.”

Evan hummed.

“I also saw your friend.”

“Niall?” Harry asked, scrunching his eyebrows.  
“Yes, him. I saw him look at you. He has got a serious thing for you, sweetheart.”

That especially made Harry crack up laughing. The irony of the whole situation was too funny. Evan really was a bad judge of character and for some reason, Harry was more attracted to him for it.

“You couldn’t be further from the truth. Niall is my roommate and we’ve been best friends since we were in diapers. I know Niall is as straight as a board and our friendship just isn’t like that.”

“You should tell him that.”

“Are you jealous?” Harry teased.

“Well, as seeing that the guy I just told you had thing for you lives with you, yeah you could say I’m a little jealous.”

Harry chuckled and leaned up to kiss Evan as reassurance. It was painful to hear someone tell him Niall might have feelings for him. A little ray of hope Harry didn’t need. Plus, he had this man now who was gay and interested and not to mention, Harry was interested in.

“But in all seriousness. I know I’m a terrible judge in character, but I know the ‘I’m in love look’ and he was giving it to you. I had a boyfriend for three years. He gave me that look all the time. I fell madly in love with that look. It’s the tell tell sign that someone is in deep and let me tell you, your roommate or best friend since diapers or whatever is in it _deep_ for you.”

Harry hummed. He tried to push the hope down, but Harry had been in love with Niall for too long not too feel a little bit of happiness hearing from someone else that Niall looked at him so lovingly. 

Harry didn’t want the hope, but hope was a little too persistent.

 

—

 

Niall was actually home when Harry walked through the door from class. It was a rare sight, but there he sat, writing down notes on notecards and going through his psychology book.

“Hey,” Harry said, putting his backpack down and getting his laptop out of it.

“Hey,” Niall said, just barely glancing up at him. Harry sat down at the table that desperately needed to be cleaned just across from Niall. It was only slightly awkward and Harry summed it all up to Evan. Niall probably had a million questions, but he wasn’t asking them and Harry wasn’t offering the topic up to be discussed.

“How was your day?” Harry asked, logging into his school website.

“Could’ve been better.” Niall said shortly.

“Why’s that?” Harry asked, scrolling through his grades. His grades had slipped since meeting Evan, but it wasn’t a big enough slope for him to be too concerned.

“It’s Tuesday, Harry.” Niall said, looking up at him. Harry was confused for a moment, but only a moment. Tuesday was the day where they got coffee together in the morning and split from there to go to class. But that Tuesday morning, he had gotten coffee with Evan.

“Oh my god, Niall. I am so sorry. I completely forgot. Evan had asked and I…”

“I don’t fucking care about Evan,” Niall said, abruptly cutting him off. “To be frank, I don't want to hear about him or how great he is or what he likes to do. I don’t care about your little boyfriend, okay?”

Harry’s eyes started tearing up. He was sad, but he was angry. He had to sit through years of him and Jen flirting and he had to hear about Jen all fucking time and he was a good friend and he was angry because Niall just wasn’t.

“I didn’t want to hear about Jen, either. But you know what? I listened to you bitch and moan about her and I listened to you tell me all about her and how wonderful she was. Do you really think I cared at all? Do you really think any part of me wanted to hear about how nice her hair smelled or what he favorite ice cream flavor was? No. I didn’t give a fuck. But I listened and I pretended to care. I pretended to give a single fuck about your relationship when I genuinely couldn’t care less. Want to know something else, Niall? When you went against me and decided to ask her to move in with us without even asking me first I pretended to be okay with it. Do you really think I was? _Fuck_ no. I hated her. I really did. I hated what she’s done. I hated her snooping.” Harry yelled. “I hated that she loved you.”

“What kind of friend are you? It didn’t end well, but I was happy with her. She made me happy. She made me see the brightness in everyday. She helped me study and she helped me see the point of being in love and being loved. How could you possibly hate her for loving me?”

Harry was crying at that point. It was like word vomit. He was so angry and confused and sad that he didn’t even care about the consequences. 

“Because I was in love with you!” Harry yelled. 

The Earth felt like it had stopped rotating. 

“Was?” Niall asked. “ Or you are _in_ love with me?”

Considering that Harry had just confessed his darkest secret, Niall was handling it pretty well. Niall decided to focus on tenses instead of the main point. Harry had just told him he was in love with him, regardless of when or if he still was.

“Was.” Harry said firmly, even though in his head he was completely unsure. “I found someone who could actually love me back. It changed my perspective on things.”

Niall licked his lips and laughed a dark, sinister laugh. “Could love you back, huh? How could you even know? You never said anything. You never told me. You never gave me the chance to even think about it before you changed your mind and decided to be with some nobody I pointed out a coffee shop.”

“Are you serious?” Harry exclaimed. “Niall, I’ve wanted you since middle school. Never gave you the chance? What kind of bullshit are you even talking about? For one, you never wanted me and if you even did then you had every chance in the world. You chose Jen. I chose Evan. It’s done. It’s all done.”

Harry left Niall flabbergasted at the table and slammed his door shut and locked it. 

 

—

 

May was near, which meant the end of the school year was closing in. As in, move out day was approaching. Harry would be heading home. As would Niall. And granted, they lived in the same town, but based on their lack of conversation within the past few weeks, Harry doubts they would be seeing much of each other and definitely not living together for their senior year of college.

Harry was almost completely packed up. He was so embarrassed to even live with Niall that he was just ready to pass his finals and move and never have to look Niall in the eye ever again. The only words he had said to Niall since the incident was “here’s your mail.”

It’s not for lack of trying, either. But, Harry was reminded of the conversation he had with Nick. It’s a two way street. Both parties have to be willing to talk and not that Harry was very open, but Niall is completely closed to the idea, or at least that was how it seemed. It was clear that everything had been a mess in the tiny apartment that Evan even stopped coming around.

Harry saw him occasionally, but not as often and not enough to keep the flame alive over the summer. It was Harry’s fault completely and he acknowledged that and even felt bad about it. After confessing to Niall that he had been in love with him since middle school, Harry found himself canceling on Evan and even ignoring him on occasion. 

It was Evan’s right to back away and distant himself and Harry doesn't blame him one bit.

 

—

 

The good news: Harry passed all of his finals.

The bad news: He was heading home without any closure from Niall.

They literally never talked the last few weeks of school. Any time Harry was in the living room, Niall was in his room and vice versa. They barely even looked at each other. 

Niall moved out before Harry. He left the day before so early Harry wasn’t even awake. Harry really doubted Niall did that on accident. It was fine, because it gave Harry the chance to go through the whole apartment to make sure he didn’t forget anything without feeling like he was bugging Niall. 

There was no reason for Harry to go into Niall’s room, but somehow he found himself inside anyway. It was bare. Nothing left for Harry to even reminisce at. It was just empty. Any sign of Niall was gone. The only thing that still lingered was the slight scent of Niall’s shampoo and aftershave. Harry looked over towards the closet on the far side of the room and saw that Niall left the trashcan and the trash still inside.

 _Unbelievable._ Harry thought. Of course he left his garbage for Harry to clean. Probably figured Harry would be a creep and go into his room to see absolutely nothing left. A strange metaphor for their friendship. Gone. 

Harry rolled his eyes and picked up the trash when a piece of paper fell off the top of the full trash can. It reeked of booze and Harry really didn’t except anything less. He double rolled his eyes and went to pick up the lonesome piece of paper. 

He would’ve just put it back in the trash bag if he didn’t see his name on top of it. It was a letter. Harry set the trash bag down and opened up the small piece of paper. All it read was:

_Harry,_

_I’m sorry. I didn’t excp_

That was it. An unfinished letter. He didn’t even make it two sentences before he was so disgusted to even finish it. 

Harry sat on the ground and balled his eyes out.

 

—

 

The good news: It was the beginning of July and Harry finally started feeling normal again.

The bad news: He hadn’t heard from Niall.

On a slightly better note, Liam called. It was strange, hearing his voice after all of the time that had gone by. Senior year of high school was the last he saw of him. Last he heard of Liam, even. Liam wanted to talk, catch up, that sort of thing. They met for pizza and it was slightly nostalgic. When Harry walked inside, all he could see was when he used to sit there with all of his friends laughing about stupid stuff that never really mattered. He could almost hear their laughter from their old booth in the corner. Harry hadn’t been back to that pizza place since high school. He was always too scared to be there and to see what he had left behind.

He saw Liam before Liam saw him. Liam was on his phone and for a second, Harry didn’t recognize him. Liam had grown out some facial hair, gotten a complex haircut with shaved sides. He looked older. He looked good.

“I haven't been here in years,” Harry said, taking a seat across from Liam. Liam jolted at the sound of Harry’s abrupt entrance, but smiled at him nonetheless. 

“Harry,” Liam said, his smile growing bigger. “Man. You look old, dude.” Liam put his phone in his pocket.

“I could say the same for you,” Harry laughed. He began looking at the menu, even though he knew exactly what he was going to get. A cheese pull bread. It was like a pizza burrito and he had gotten it since he was a kid. “You look good though. Harvard is doing you well.”

“Ah, thank you.”

Liam sounded different. The way he talked was just different. His voice was different. He sounded more mature. He was too curious about Liam’s life, but if he was honest, he didn’t exactly want to spill the beans on his recent events so he couldn’t except Liam to.

“I haven’t seen you in so long, Haz.” Liam said then after they ordered their food. “And I have to be honest, this isn’t just a nice lunch out. I have somewhat of an agenda.”

“I figured just as much,” Harry said, nodding his head. “But it is still nice to see you.”

“Of course, one hundred percent.” Liam looked nervous. He was really hoping that Liam would just say something normal. Not that he was in love with him or that he was a mermaid or somewhat. Just something about school and needing his help with something. But, knowing his life and his old friend group, he doubts it’s anything normal. “I just. Um. Have you, by chance, heard from Louis?” Liam fidgeted with his thumbs. “He went overseas to do talks about bullying and stuff, and we kept in touch for awhile and now he’s off the map. I don’t know if it’s just off the map for me, or for everyone.”

“Honestly Liam, I haven’t heard from anyone for years. Well, except for Niall, but that’s changed even. I saw on Facebook just the other day that he was in Ireland for a talk, though. So at least he’s safe,” Harry said. He took a sip of his water. And even in Harry’s head he though he was answering correctly with providing with Liam some reassurance that Louis was safe, Liam looked even more conflicted and nervous than before.

“Yeah,” Liam said. “Can I trust you with something?”

“Anything.”

“We were together.” Liam said, daring to look up at Harry from his meal.

“Like together together?” Harry asked, leaning into Liam’s space.

“Like we had plans to get married.” Harry about spat out the food in his mouth. “He was terrified to come out to his family. We were together for two years and all of sudden I stop hearing from him. He’s been active on Facebook, which I haven't seen, so obviously he blocked me or something. I mean. He really is something, isn’t he? Ghost his boyfriend of two years? Unbelievable.” 

“Do a grand gesture. I can help you find him. Fly out to see him, confront him. I’m sure once he sees you he’ll see the mess he made and the mistake he made.”

“You’re right, Harry. Great idea.”

“I’m always right.”

 

—

 

Mid July. Nothing had changed. Niall was seemingly gone. He wasn’t posting anything on any social medias, no one had seemed to see him anywhere. It was annoying. He just wanted to make sure he was okay. But still. He remained hidden from the wold, nowhere to be found, just gone. He considered calling his mother, but he really didn’t want to seem like a jealous boyfriend even though he would never get the honor to be one.

The summer started off rough, but got better as time went on. The embarrassment of the night of confession started to fade, but the realness of losing his best friend began to set in. He didn’t just lose the boy obsession he had since he could last remember, he lost his childhood best friend. The person who knew him best. The person who had loved him even in his darkest moments. He lost the one person he genuinely trusted. What a joke, right?

Just because he couldn't keep his stupid fucking mouth shut.

 

—

 

Summer came and went. A truly uneventful, too hot, boring summer. He didn’t get to go to the lake with Niall, he didn’t even go on vacation anywhere. He was too busy with his family and binge watching literally anything on Netflix. 

The only interesting thing that he had done the entire summer was help Liam track down Louis in Germany and help him find the courage to fly out and confront him. Liam told him it was a misunderstanding and Louis was trying to figure out a way to ask Liam to come travel with him and that was the last Harry had heard from either of them. Last on Facebook, they were sharing a bottle of champagne in Amsterdam. He was unbelievably jealous of the happiness they found within each other. He saw Liam and Louis as a parallel of what Niall and him could have been. Sadly, he got the short end of the stick. 

He had gotten a single apartment for his upcoming senior year, since he had yet to hear from Niall. But he did post a picture of himself in front of the Eiffel Tower, so Harry assumed he spent the summer traveling. And well, good on him. Niall always was interested in seeing the world. Harry was just happy he finally got his wish.

At last, Harry was starting to come to terms with the fact that him and Niall were finished. In every way. He started to love Niall again, as a stranger. He began to feel happy for Niall and his future, whatever it may be. He stopped hating him for not returning his feelings, because honestly, he couldn’t help it. It just wasn’t his fault.

In light of losing Niall, while it did suck, it made him reconnect with a few friendships that he had distant himself from while trying to fix things with Niall after he broke up with Jen. Nick was one of them. Nick had sorted his own feelings out and even though it was tough, Nick found a lovely man named Ben and Harry was so happy for him.

He even got back in touch with Evan. It was a strange late night where he got a single text that read:

_I know it’s late. I just miss you and hate the way things ended. We should get back and touch and get a coffee when school starts again._

Harry replied with an excited yes. He also hated the way things had ended with Evan. There was no closure. Harry realized that even though he loved Niall with all of his heart, soul, being, that Niall drove him to become more distant to the people he cared about. It wasn’t even Niall’s fault. Harry just cared more about Niall and being around Niall and trying to make Niall happy before anyone else. 

While Niall will always be the love of his life, he started to realize there was more to life than just Niall. It was a beautiful realization, in all of his sadness.

 

—

He loved his apartment. It was small, but there was exposed brick which made hipster Harry freaked in excitement. He loved every inch. He loved how he decorated it. He loved the wood floors and countertops. He loved the rustic feeling. He loved it.

It was less expensive than the two bedroom overall, but it was more expensive because he wasn’t splitting the rent with anyone. 

His mom kissed his head as she was about to head out. “I know you’re sad he’s not standing here with you, but lighten up. You two will find each other again, I’m sure of it.”

He eskimo kissed his mom as she left. She still teared up even after four years of leaving him there.

A few months ago he would have been praying his mom would be right. That somehow, he would find Niall again and everything would be okay. But now, he realized that Niall might have just been a chapter in his life. A very long, passionate, and heart breaking one, but a chapter in the end. It would be wonderful if Niall found his way back to him, but Harry realized it was not the end of the world if he didn’t. 

Over the summer, he found that the way to get over his heartbreak was to fall in love with it. 

It sounded strange. Almost too romantic. Heartbreak is supposed to be kicking and screaming, crying in the shower, burning things that belonged to them. And to be fair, Harry did do his share of crying and wallowing in self pity, but towards the end of the summer, he found that the bittersweet feeling was not that bad. Falling in love with heartbreak is when one can look back and be happy about memories, but at the same time being sad that they’re over. He fell in love with heartbreak. He fell in love with all of the many memories of Niall, but in that, he learned to fall out of love.

He felt like a changed person. He forgave Niall for whatever long list of things he needed to be forgiven for. It was refreshing, not feeling chained to a person because of the love he had for him.

 

—

 

December came and Harry was the happiest he had been in awhile. He had so many friends surrounding him, he was invited to Louis and Liam’s wedding, and he had a beautiful boyfriend who loved him beyond words. He was doing well in his classes. He found his new hobby was baking. He learned that he liked to write poetry as well as read it.

He noticed how much he learned about himself when he wasn’t constantly trying to learn more about Niall. 

He had let Niall go, in a way. Niall was free to be who he was without Harry on his heels. He stopped looking at his Facebook every day. He let Niall be Niall, for once in his life. That isn’t to say Harry wasn’t hoping he would somewhere see Niall, whether it be on campus on in the local diner. Just somewhere. No matter how much Harry had let go, he still wanted to see Niall’s eyes and hear his laugh. 

He figured Niall was somewhere living it up as much as possible. Maybe has another girl in his life. Maybe he was doing just fine and single as could be. He hoped Niall was doing okay in his classes. He prayed Niall had let Harry go as much as Harry let go of Niall. He mostly hoped that wherever Niall was and whatever he was doing he was utterly and genuinely happy.

Harry, throughout the months, became a more positive, happy person. And he doesn’t want to say it was because Niall was out of his life, because it wasn’t. Niall made him so happy it hurt. Him being more positive about life was his own doing. Harry wasn’t optimistic before because there wasn’t anything to be optimistic about. His life consisted of pining after someone who could never love him the way Harry wanted him to. His life consisted of yearning for a life he could never have. Where’s the happiness in that? But it wasn’t Niall’s fault. It was Harry’s unhealthy obsession with him. 

Evan was someone who he could have. And who he loved. Evan wasn’t his first love, but he was his first reciprocated love and that counted more, in Harry’s eyes. Evan showed Harry constant kindness and forgiveness and _love._ At first, Evan love was too much for him, he had to admit. Mostly because it was real. And it was romantic. Mind you, Harry hadn’t even so much of thought about being in a relationship while he was consumed by Niall. So that relationship with Evan wasn’t anything he was used to, in any sense. He wasn’t used to being able to say whatever he pleased. He wasn’t used to waking up with a kiss on the lips. He was’t used to knowing that no matter what, he had someone to love him and take his side. 

It was different, but as time went on, Harry realized that the love Evan gave was a love he much more preferred.

 

—

 

Louis and Liam’s wedding was on the coast of Croatia. Only a select amount of people were going. Family, close friends, that sort. He realized he was probably only invited because he was the one who ultimately (and not to brag) got them back together. 

Evan was his obvious plus one. They were both packing, when Evan asked the most awkward question.

“Do you think Niall will be there?” 

He must have seen Harry completely freeze at the question because he came over and wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist, pushing himself up against Harry’s back.

  He honestly hadn’t thought of Niall going to the wedding. He figured he wouldn’t be there, since the last time Niall had talked about Liam, Louis, anyone from high school really, he said they hadn’t been in contact. But things change. Look at Harry. Moved on from the person who he considered his soulmate. Things change in a short amount of time, too.

“I don’t know, Evan,” Harry said, sighing into his embrace. “Would it bother you if he was?”

Harry was very open with Evan about his past with Niall. He knows just about everything. Evan wasn’t happy to learn that he was still in love with Niall when he entered the picture, but he forgave him. Evan always did.

“A little,” Evan said honestly. He laid his head up on Harry’s shoulder and kissed his neck, just a little peck. “But, I’m sensing it would bother you more.”

Harry swiftly turned around to face his boyfriend. Evan put his hands to his side and nervously bit his lip. Evan’s really annoying habit that made Harry even more irritated. Harry touched his cheek.

“You know I’ve moved on, Evan.”

“You say you are.”

Evan was a little like Jen. A little needy, a little possessive, a little paranoid. It was annoying, but endearing, in a way.

Harry reached up and cupped Evan’s face with his hands.

“I promise you, if Niall is there it will mean nothing to me. It will be friendly and civil, nothing more. I’ve moved on from that part of my life.”

Harry removed his hands and went back to his packing. He looked over to Evan’s bag and noticed it had next to nothing inside of it, which was strange since they left the next day.

“You can’t blame me for being worried though.” Evan said sternly. “You loved the guy since middle school. A few months is hard to recover from that.”

“Damn it, Evan,” Harry said. He rubbed his temples so he didn’t get too upset. Harry slowly turned around. “Do you honestly think I would spend this much time mending things with you, learning to love you, fall in love with you, ask you to move in, ask you to go to an international wedding with me if I had any intention of going back to Niall?”

“You’re acting like he gave you the chance to go back to him.” Evan said. His eyes narrowed. It must have been a conversation he was dying to have, the way he was talking. “He literally just stopped talking to you. Do you know what that means? That means you have no closure.”

“Thank you, Evan. Very helpful insight.” Harry said sarcastically.

“Shut up,” Evan said. “Let me talk for once. Let me talk.” Evan dared Harry with eye contact, to which Harry just raised an eyebrow, waiting for Evan to talk. “Do you think you could just look him in the eye and feel nothing? Is that what you’re saying?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“I’m not going.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to go,” Evan said. He sat down on the bed when a single tear fell down. “If he’s there, I don’t want to be there to babysit you. I want you to go and do what you want and see what happens and make your choice. I don’t want to be there when you choose him.”

So, Evan was a little dramatic. For one, he didn’t even know if Niall was going to be there. He was just banking on him being there. He was also banking on Harry picking Niall, which hurt him.

“You really trust me that little?” Harry asked, getting on his knees in front of his boyfriend holding his hands. 

“I trust you to not cheat on me,” Evan said, pulling his hands away from Harry’s grasp. “I don’t trust you to not fall in love with him all over again as soon as you see him.”

Harry stood up and looked at the man he grew to love and care for. He looked at him and heard him spit into his face about how little he trusted him to love him after everything they had been through. 

“Fine.” Harry said. “I’ll just stay at the hotel at the airport for the night.”

He threw the final things into his bag and left swiftly and quietly. It wasn’t until he closed the bedroom door that he heard Evan’s cries. Harry shed his own few tears before he left.

He would choose Evan, over and over again. He just had to prove it to him.

 

—

 

The flight to Croatia was less than comfortable, but he was more than excited to land and see the beauty that surrounded him. He had the rehearsal dinner that night, the wedding the next day and then he flew home the day after that. It was a short and sweet trip, but a trip he was grateful for, nonetheless. He got picked up by a driver that he was assuming the grooms had sent for him.

The driver was nice enough. He didn’t speak much english, but he tried to converse. 

When he arrived to the beautiful resort, the first thing he saw was Liam at the front desk. 

“Liam!” Harry yelled, hiking his bag up his shoulder and giving him a hug. “Oh man. It’s beyond gorgeous here.”

“Louis picked it,” Liam said. Liam gave Harry a big smile and then he sort of looked like he did at the pizza parlor. Like he had to tell Harry something, but really didn’t want to. “So, I didn’t know you and Niall weren’t on speaking terms anymore…” Liam drifted off.

Harry knew exactly what was about to happen. Of course. Of fucking course. His life was like a bad teen romance novel. Niall was going to be at the wedding and Liam and Louis booked them in the same room.

“We’re sharing a room, aren't we?”

“Yes, but!” Liam exclaimed, trying to save the situation. “There are two beds and Niall is already here and in the room and he is okay with it, if you are.”

“He is?”

“That’s what he said,” Liam said, shrugging.

“Weird,” Harry said. Liam talked for a bit longer about different times and things and then handed him his room key. His stomach was in knots. The first time seeing Niall in months. The first time seeing him since they lived together. It was going to be extra awkward.

Guess his mom was right after all. Here they are, finding their way back to each other.

Harry was going as slow as possible. Talking to Louis’ and Liam’s families, old friends, grabbing a coffee he know he wouldn’t drink as he went through the lobby to the elevator. Third floor, room 358. Niall would be inside. Niall would be there.

He got into the elevator and with shaky hands clicked the third floor button. His entire way up he was contemplating what he was even going to say. What should he say? Enter the room and blurt “I have a boyfriend now!”? No. Does he just say hello? Does he hug him?

He’s never been so confused about seeing Niall in his entire life.

He didn’t even know it, but he was standing right outside of the room. He put the keycard in and the light turned green and he acted as calm as he could opening the door.

He saw Niall there in a towel just barley hanging around his waist.

“Oh god!” Harry yelled, covering his eyes. “Niall! Really? You had to know I was going to come in any second! Jesus!” Harry turned his back, threw his bag on the floor, put his hands on his hips and waited for Niall’s response.

“I didn’t care,” Niall said, as calm as could be. “You’ve literally seen my dick before, felt my morning wood. What’s new? I’m in a towel.”

“Jesus,” Harry said, turning around, but keeping a hand over his eyes. “You know I imagined this going down differently.” Harry slightly separated his fingers on his eyes to see that Niall had put sweatpants on.

Niall snorted. He seemed so cruel for some reason. “Yeah? And what exactly did you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, Niall. Normal stuff. Like ‘hey, how are you, person who is not in a towel!’” Harry said, frustrated. Niall shook his head and tugged on a white t shirt. He let out the most Niall chuckle that he ever had. 

_Fuck, I missed you._

“Good luck figuring that out,” Niall said with a laugh. He slipped on his shoes and patted Harry’s shoulder as he walked out of the room.

After Niall left, Harry was left breathless. He couldn’t believe Niall was just there. He really wished that he would see Niall and he wouldn’t be phased and he definitely wouldn’t have missed him. He thought he got over that long ago. But when he saw Niall. His hair had darkened slightly. His eyes were just as bright and his laugh just as contagious. It was like he stepped back into time and felt everything he had felt before.

But then he thought of Evan and how much he wanted to go back to him and continue to have the relationship they had before he left. So, Harry put his bag down, threw some water on his face, remembered everything he had done to get over Niall, smiled to himself in the mirror, and left to go downstairs to join everyone else.

 

—

Louis and Liam were genuinely happy and he couldn’t hope for anything more for either of them. They were in the corner with their families laughing and playing with each other’s hair and they seemed as if they were as in love as any two people could be. 

Harry’s stalking was interrupted by Niall sitting down at a table with him. He had gone and changed into a nice white button down shirt and khaki pants for the rehearsal dinner. Harry was already in a dark blue button down and a pair of jeans. 

“Two fuckers,” Niall grumbled about Liam and Louis. Harry just smiled and shook his head. So like Niall to be grouchy at a fucking destination wedding. “Do they even realize they have other guests besides themselves?”

“Niall, they’re getting married,” Harry said. “Be happy for them, they’re in love.” Harry smiled at the couple. They really were great for each other. Louis was good for Liam and helping him loosen up and Liam pulled Louis in and helped him be more serious. A perfect balance. 

“I’m happy,” Niall said, throwing his hands up in surrender. “Just bored.” 

Harry laughed. He looked at Niall a final time before deciding it was time to end the conversation. 

_Friendly, nothing other than civil._

“Good luck with that,” Harry said, standing up. He realized he threw Niall’s own words from earlier back at him, but he didn’t mind. Niall just rolled his eyes and got on his phone. Kinda stung. He excepted Niall to at least be a little mad Harry was leaving. Wait. What? No. Niall should be fine sitting there alone. It wasn’t Harry’s concern.

It’s not like Niall left Harry alone for months.

 

—

 

The rehearsal dinner was nice, but it wasn’t anything other than nice. A lot of awkward catching up and side conversations. The food was good. He wasn’t a seafood person so he was stuck with steak, but he didn’t complain. It was pretty decent steak.

Niall, however, followed Harry around like a lost puppy. He was obviously uncomfortable and didn’t know a whole lot of people, but Harry didn’t exactly sign up to be a babysitter. Every time Harry sat down or even was alone for a second, Niall seemed to always be at his side, like Harry had a fucking leash on him or something. When Niall tried to engage in conversation, Harry opted to smile or lightly acknowledge and then walk away. Niall just wasn’t getting the hint.

They weren’t friends anymore.

Niall seemed to have missed that part.

Liam and Louis were doing a toast and thanked everyone for coming. During their speech, as Harry stood in the corner holding a champagne glass, he felt Niall’s shoulder brush up against his. He was tired of it. He wanted to know what gave Niall the right to come back into his life like he never left. When in reality, Niall left with a storm so large, Harry’s world still felt barren. He didn’t want to feel that way. He had so many friends and a boyfriend who loved him. He just didn’t have Niall. And, although an ugly truth, he really missed having him.

Harry clenched his jaw and sat through the rest of the toast with Niall pushed up against him. He felt angry, but he really didn’t want to show it. He didn’t want Niall to know he still cared. 

The rest of the dinner was a haze of red. He wanted to scream at Niall from the top of his lungs, but he kept reminding himself that it wasn’t his night to ruin. He kept a smile on his face and made it bigger when he felt Niall looking at him.

 

—

 

Niall was in the room before Harry was. Harry really wasn’t in the mood for a conversation that night. He wanted to call Evan, boast about how great the trip was going, call Nick and tell him that he would make a great best man. But, of course, he shared a room with Niall and he really didn’t want to call loved ones with Niall in the same space as him.

Instead, he laid on his bed while Niall laid on his and neither of them talked, at least for a second.

“We should talk about it,” Niall said. He didn’t even bother to turn over to face Harry. Of course they should talk about it, but Harry didn’t want to. Harry waited for Niall to talk and he never did. So, Harry stopped listening. A long time ago.

“We should've talked about it months ago,” Harry said nonchalantly back. It’s not as if he wanted to pick a fight, but he wasn’t going to let Niall dictate him anymore. Niall can’t do and say whatever he wanted to. That had been off the table since he left without saying anything. “But you didn’t want to. There really isn’t anything to talk about.”

“I left because it was easier,” Niall said. He said it in such a whisper that Harry felt his heart break a little. He loved the man for so long, a few months wasn’t going to erase how he cared about him.

“Easier?” Harry asked, angrily. “You literally left me hanging for months because it was easier? It wasn’t easy for me, Niall. I spent the whole summer trying to get over what happened, trying to get over _you._ So whatever you wanted to say or whatever you feel like you need to say, get over it. I did.” Harry then turned and glared at Niall, before turning on his side and pretending to fall asleep, when in reality, he was facing the wall, letting tears run down his face. He didn’t want to hear what Niall had to say, but he knew that he needed to.

“I’m sorry,” Harry heard Niall whisper again. Harry clenched his eyes tight to keep his tears and sobs in.

 

—

 

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, but Harry spent most of it focusing on Niall beside him. They did need to talk about it. He was determined to not leave Croatia until he knew exactly what Niall would've said. 

Liam and Louis were so in love it was almost sickening. Their vows were heartfelt and full of tears. Everyone was crying. Even Harry shed a tear. They have been his friends since they were young, it was hard to see them standing there getting married to each other. But, Harry was unbelievably happy for them. They both deserved the best. While they shared their first kiss as a married couple, Harry looked over at Niall and Harry realized that even after all he and Niall had been through, Niall deserved the best, too. Whatever that may be. Niall looked back at him and smiled and Harry’s world went in slow motion. He really had missed Niall. Maybe Evan was right. It wouldn’t take long for Harry to fall back in love with him.

Wait.

No. 

Harry shook himself out of his trance and went back to watch Liam and Louis run down the isle, in complete bliss with the people they love surrounding them. Harry was only just a tad jealous. He was sure that one day he and Evan would be at the alter. Some day.

The reception was much more fun and light hearted. Louis was definitely behind the party part of the wedding. The dance floor was huge, the DJ was awesome, and the drinks just kept on flowing. Harry drank more than he wanted to and found himself dancing with Aunt Sue. Aunt Sue was 63 and still knew how to get down. He was trashed. But, he was happy.

While Aunt Sue was laughing and walking away from Harry, his eyes caught Niall’s across the room. Niall had a small smile on his mouth and that made Harry smile widely at him. His hair was a mess, he had two buttons undone from his shirt, and his cheeks were bright red. Even as messy as he looked, Niall was sill the most beautiful person in the room. Right next to Aunt Sue, of course.

Harry found himself walking over to Niall. He sat at the table with him and laughed. He didn’t know why he was laughing, he just was. Everything was funny. His stupid feelings were even funny, that’s how drunk he was.

“You alright there, Harry?” Niall asked. Niall had a concerned look on his face, but also a smirk. Harry remembered that smirk. Harry loved that smirk.

“Wine really does you in,” Harry said, slouching on his chair. They had fought (kind of) the night before, but now, as they both realized they didn’t know how long they had together, the hostile had vanished in thin air. The man in front of him was the boy he grew up with and slowly along the way, fallen in love with. Niall. The person with a beautiful soul and happiness that filled him to the brink. Niall. The person with fluffy blonde hair and big blue eyes. He remembered how he used to make fun of Niall for his eyes in fourth grade because they were still too big for his face. They weren’t anymore. They would be too big for anyone else, but on Niall, they looked right.

“Clearly,” Niall said, finally giving in and laughing at Harry’s drunken state. Oh and that laugh. It was always so full. It always came from Niall’s belly. Niall’s laugh made every moment better and everything funnier. “You should probably head back up right about now.”

“Party pooper,” Harry said, sticking his tongue out at Niall. He wondered what it would be like to have his tongue in Niall’s mouth?

Ew. No.

Well, maybe.

“Come on,” Niall said, getting up and holding out his hand for Harry to grab. “I’ll even come with you.”

 

—

 

Harry felt better after a shower and a drunk phone call from Evan. Just hearing his voice made everything better. He felt more level headed hearing Evan giggle on the other line about the nonsense coming out of Harry’s mouth. Harry didn’t even care that Niall was right next to him. He still felt a little off balance, but way less drunk than he did. Niall was sitting on the edge of the bed watching a soccer game. It was quite the view. Niall ditched his shirt and sat there with just some sport shorts. It was at that moment Harry realized he really had missed Niall.

“I feel so much better,” Harry said, emerging from the bathroom, rubbing a towel over his curly, wet hair. Niall just looked over at him with a smug smile like he knew he was right the whole time. “I may have had just a little too much to drink,” Harry gave in. He looked through his bad for his hairbrush. He knew he packed one.

“Just a little?” Niall snorted. “You were literally grinding on 63 year old Aunt Sue, Haz.” Harry’s breath caught in his throat at the mention of his nickname, but he didn’t. Niall probably didn’t even mean to say it. Force of habit. “It was very entertaining to watch though. You seemed very into it.”

“Aunt Sue is a great dancer,” Harry said. He finally found his hairbrush. He sat on his bed and began brushing his longish hair. “You were just jealous you missed your chance.”

Niall stared blankly at the tv screen for a moment. His smile faded and his eyes drifted down. “I did, didn't I?” Niall asked in a mere whisper. 

Harry’s eyebrows scrunched at Niall’s sudden drop in mood. 

“What?” Harry asked, putting his hairbrush down. “I’m sure if you asked Aunt Sue to dance she would’ve, Niall.” 

“You’re such an idiot,” Niall laughed, shaking his head. Niall finally looked over at Harry and he took note at the single tear that fell from Niall’s beautiful blue right eye. Harry’s heart dropped into his stomach. “I missed my chance with you, didn’t I?”

Harry’s world shifted, just a little.

He opened his mouth and let out a little tiny sound before immediately closing it again. What was he even supposed to say to that?

“Yeah, you know what, I did,” Niall said, wiping his tears and giving a sad little laugh. He shook his head harder. “I could've had you. If I just told you what I wanted to tell you. If I finished that fucking letter, this would have all been different. But, I mean, look at you, Harry,” Niall said, smiling, just a tad. “You’re so happy.” Harry took note of Niall’s voice crack as he said ‘happy.’ Harry’s heart broke faster than it did when he saw that letter unfinished. “You have someone who loves you and you love someone else. You have what Louis and Liam has and I’m so incredibly proud of you.”

Niall looked at Harry and just stared. 

Harry also wondered what would have happened if Niall had just said that when he had the chance. 

Harry’s eyes welled up just at the thought. 

“You deserve so much more than me,” Niall said. He got up from his bed and crawled onto Harry’s. “I wish I told you that you’re the only thing that matters to me, too.” Niall leaned up and gave the softest peck to Harry’s lips. Harry left his lips still and didn’t make one move. 

Niall sighed and got up from the bed, took one last look at Harry and left the room.

Harry fell asleep to his own sobs that night.

 

—

 

When Harry woke up, his face was raw from the tears that stained his cheek. He noticed that all of Niall’s things were gone. It made him angry. It was just like what he did all those months ago. Left without a goodbye, left without a trace. 

Harry, instead, called Evan and told him he was ready to come home and see him again. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, tried to look as normal as possible and then headed out the door. He took one final look at the room in front of him. _Croatia had given me many memories,_ he thought.

He smiled softly and then closed the door. 

He saw Louis and Liam in the lobby telling everyone goodbye. They were such good hosts. They saw Harry and smiled widely. They each hugged him.

“Niall told me to tell you that he will always be wishing the best for you,” Louis said in his ear as they hugged. Damn Louis. He was really trying so hard not to cry. Harry buried his head into Louis’ shoulder and bit back tears as hard as he could. 

“You two will work it out,” Liam said, rubbing his back. 

Harry can’t stop himself from thinking that he might've chosen Niall if he had given him a chance.

But, he refused to let the thought in for longer than a second. 

 

—

 

When Harry walked into the door of his apartment, he was hit in the face with familiarity. The smell of his laundry detergent, the smell of Evan’s cologne, the loud bustle from the outside. He was so happy to be home where he was safe. Evan was cooking something in their small kitchen. He looked at Evan and was so happy to be see him again. He went over and hugged him so tight he might've broken his spine.

“I chose you, my love,” Harry said, putting his hands in Evan’s hair. Evan nodded in his embrace. 

When they parted, Evan wiped his tear from his face and sniffled. “So, how was the wedding?”

Harry then proceeded to tell him all about the boring rehearsal dinner, the beautiful wedding ceremony, and then the crazy, wild reception where he grinded with a member of the elderly community. He forgot to mention the part where he and Niall shared a room and how Niall had kissed him, but that’s a story for another day.

 

—

 

Ever since Croatia, Harry thought he saw Niall everywhere. He thought he saw Niall at the coffee shop, at the bookstore, even in his apartment complex. Everywhere. It was haunting him. Any man with blonde hair, Harry thought was Niall. He felt himself getting worked up whenever it wasn’t Niall. He just really wanted to see him. He really wanted to finish what Niall had started. 

He felt himself getting less and less involved with Evan. It made his heart ache. Evan. Such a beautiful soul who wanted nothing more than love and affection in return for continuous love, and support, and forgiveness. He just felt himself care less and less. He felt himself slipping away from the relationship. He hated himself because he knew it was because of what Niall had told him. 

The undeniable truth was Evan wasn’t Niall. That fact was just starting to dawn on Harry a little more than it used to.

Niall was irreplaceable. Niall was the love of his life. His soulmate. Trying to convince himself otherwise was useless. 

He broke Evan’s heart. He didn’t mean to. Evan was doing that annoying lip biting thing and being insecure and Harry had word vomit. He let it all out. He never saw another human pack and leave so fast. The whole time, Evan screaming “I knew it!”

To be fair, he did know it.

Just. No one came close to Niall.

The problem was, Niall was literally nowhere to be found. He wasn’t even fucking enrolled into school, anymore. He tried everywhere. He even asked Jen. Apparently, there have talked either. Just a bunch of bullshit. He just needed to find Niall. He just needed Niall. More now, than ever.

 

—

 

Months went by. It was April. Harry felt disappointed and he felt like giving up. Clearly, Niall left the country and even the fucking planet. He blocked out most of his friends. He didn’t have anything anymore. He wanted to find Niall so bad, he let the rest of his life go to shit.

He was on spring break and he was on his last mission to find the love of his life. He showed up to Louis and Liam’s doorstep. They were living in Louisiana now. They said there travels would begin again when their life felt in balance again. He was nervous. After this, Niall really would be nowhere. Gone. He must just not want to be found.

He knocked on the door and it took a few moments, but Louis opened the door pretty quickly.

“Harry!” Louis screamed. “Babe! Liam! I told you he would come!” Liam popped his head around the corner and his eyes brightened and his smile widened. “I told you.” Louis said, poking his finger into Liam’s chest. “Come in.”

Harry walked in with the most confused feeling he ever felt in his life. Liam got him to sit down on the couch while Louis filled him a glass of water. 

“So the reason I’m here…” Harry began, but was cut off rudely by Louis.

“Let me guess. Starts with an N and has blonde hair and blue eyes.” Harry was taken back and gulped the water that Louis gave him. It was getting weird. Which was hard to say, because anything to do with Louis was weird, but the situation was particularly weird. “Niall said you wouldn’t come, but I always knew you would.”

“Alright. Enough games,” Harry said. “What are you talking about?”

“The day before you left Croatia,” Louis said, rolling his eyes like somehow Harry was supposed to know what he was going on about. “I told you what Niall told me. Which, yeah he did say that, but he told me so much more.”

“Like?” Harry asked.

“Like if you ever, one day, came knocking on our door looking for him. He dropped out of school, he found a good job elsewhere. You wouldn’t be able to find him without trying to look for him. He thought that one day you might find yourself at our doorstep and well, here you are!”

“The point, Louis!” Harry asked, getting more impatient. 

“He told us where to find him.”

“Which is where?”

“Well, we don’t know exactly where. It’s more of a riddle.”

Of fucking course it was. How could anything be normal for once? That friend group was so ridiculous. 

“What’s the riddle?” Harry asked.

“He’s exactly where you left him.”

Croatia.

 

—

 

Harry booked the next flight out. What a joke it all was. It really was like a bad teen romance novel. The flight was long and especially since Harry was all anticipating what he was going to say to Niall, what Niall was going to say to him, it became extra unbearable.

He eventually did land. He left Niall in their hotel room. He left Niall at the hotel. So, that was where he started. 

“Is a Niall Horan staying here by any chance?” Harry asked the front clerk. 

“I’m sorry, we can’t give out personal information,” The clerk said. What an idiot. He was obviously here. If she can’t give out personal information, he was there.

Harry ran a hand through his hair, about to argue with her, when he heard:

“Harry?” 

Harry turned around so fast to see Niall standing with a bag of groceries. Harry smiled as wide as he could and ran to hug the man he tried to track down for months. Niall hugged him back and stuffed his face into Harry’s neck, giving him tiny kisses on the side of his neck.

He had never been so happy to smell Niall before.

They finally pulled away and Niall ran his hand on Harry’s cheek. “What are you doing here?”

“You’re the one that gave me a stupid fucking riddle,” Harry said, laughing. But Niall just gave him a confused face. 

“I didn’t give you a riddle,” Niall said. “I just told Louis and Liam that by the off chance you come looking for me that I would be here. That’s why I was invited to the wedding in the first place. I was already here.”

“So Louis made up a fake riddle just to make things harder for me?”

“It is Louis,” Niall said and laughed. 

Niall stared at Harry and Harry stared at Niall. He didn’t even care they were in the middle of a hotel lobby. He was so happy to see Niall.

“I missed you so much,” Harry said.

To that, Niall gave him a big, sloppy kiss on the lips.

And from that point on, everything was finally okay.

 

Fin.

 


End file.
